Sit On My Face...Please

Did you know that the United States produces 55% of the world’s blueberries, with Canada coming in at a close second at 28%, and Poland bringing up the rear at 10%? You’re probably asking yourself, hey Man what do all of these numbers mean and why don’t they add up to 100%? Well, I can’t really tell you what these numbers mean but I can tell you why they don’t add up to 100.

Let me begin by telling you some of the most amazing facts related to the growth and production of this precious and often misunderstood fruit. As some of these facts can be quite frightening, I will start slow and ease you into the stimulating world of the blueberry. Were you aware that there are approximately thirty different varieties of high brush blueberries grown in North America? I wasn’t. Pretty interesting shit! Most farmers choose to plant a number of varieties of blueberries in order to increase the amount of times they can harvest throughout the year. Damn, those blueberry farming bastards are smart. By cultivating a variety of plants, these brilliant farmers ensure that they can harvest fruit from early June right through to October. I know, that’s fucking cool. Most berries are still picked by hand but there are a few farmers that have the financial wherewithal and vision to purchase machines that will do this mundane task for them. Way to go you capitalist bastards. Mechanize the fields. Those lazy humans can find some other way to feed their families.

We need to slow down; let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Why are we talking about picking blueberries when we haven’t even begun to talk about growing them yet? We have to make sure that before we even think about stuffing these pretty little plants into the ground that we have the right soil for the job. Well-drained, acidic soil is crucial for the growth of blueberries. Don’t forget about proper irrigation for the plants. These little guys need to drink you know. They prefer to be planted in raised beds with sawdust mulch surrounding their base, but I have never heard of a blueberry plant complaining if you use hay. Even if they do who’s going to listen to a bunch of blueberry plants anyway. Screw them, do whatever floats your farming boat.

In order to guarantee maximum yield of those sweet little morsels do not forget to pollinate with honeybees. Honeybees must be brought to the fields during the blossom periods to ensure maximum yield. Who would have thought that honeybees served a purpose other than putting honey in the plastic bear bottles? I sure didn’t. I guess we all learn something new every day.

Well know that you have a pretty good idea how to grow blueberries let’s talk about protecting your investment. Blueberries have one know mortal enemy: birds. Birds must be aware that blueberries are an excellent source of vitamins A and C, not to mention a great source of dietary fibre. Some believe that blueberries contain anti-cancer agents and may also be beneficial for our heart, memory and eyesight. Birds must be pretty smart if they have already realized this, so be afraid. Be very afraid. Well since birds are intelligent and enjoy decimating blueberry fields by the acre lets discuss a fool proof way of preventing this from happening.

One way to deter birds from eating all of your hard work (Who am I trying to fool? You haven’t done shit. The plants have done all the work. You just sat on your ass and watched from the side lines) is through the utilization of noise devices. There are many new and wonderful noise devices on the market, but I recommend the twelve gauge shotgun. Not only does it produce a loud noise but it can completely destroy most birds. That’ll teach those opportunistic sons of bitches a lesson they will not soon forget. Who the hell do they think they are, trying to survive by eating food?

Right about know I am sure you are all wondering where the previously stated judgments and controversy is. Well, sorry to disappoint you. I have always wanted to force-feed education to the masses. I am not going to apologize for wasting your time because I am sure that on some twisted level you all have learned something new today, and if you haven’t well good for you. Go fuck yourself, you hero.

Written with premeditation by the educational terrorist himself, The Man.